rueful and hopeful

Ah.

I disappoint myself.

Just a few moments ago, I had to urge to read random posts from biyaheng mindanao. Seeing portions of how I wrote back then made me realize that I hardly gave time to getting the right words to express and organize the many thoughts that mill about in my mind.

The past few months, my posts have been pretty reckless and feckless that it is almost obscene. To me anyway. Looking back at biyaheng mindanao has shown me that.

It’s a waste of a God-given gift. I’m not a great writer, but I know I can write. And I have put it to waste by merely listing down whatever comes to mind, be it crap or gold, without real thought or introspection. This year, I have merely hopped on from one person’s blog to another and whined, “how come they write so well, but I can’t.” Bah. I never even bothered to try.

Maybe because I have become impatient. So impatient that there is I merely spew words that my fingers would type, rather then mull about it and decipher what I mean to say.

I apologize. Not to people who read what I write, for they have the option to merely shrug off the shit I post. I apologize to no one but myself. My personal history written on this blog has been tarnished because I have fallen short of what I can be in things that I have potential in. Mayhap it be fear of having to work hard then ending up a failure, mayhap it be for the imagined lack of time.

May the words I quill in, not only for this blog, for other things as well, be a reflection of what I really am capable of. Rather than being merely a potential. Twenty eight years of potential is bound to smell fetid and rotten if left unused.

I pray that I celebrate myself this 2007.

Is this vanity? Perhaps. In my heart, I celebrate all the people that are in my life. Those who have journeyed with me in 2006 and the years past, be it physically or in spirit. Every time possible, my dears, I whisper a prayer for you. A simple but sincere one, one that seeks your safety and fulfilled desires.

And yet I have forgotten to celebrate myself. Many a time, I have lashed upon my back for doing wrong or not being good enough. But rarely a cheer or encouragement for a job well done.

That is injustice. What have I really got? What do I really hold? Only me. Only my identity. Only my gifts. And I ignore it. Bah. Injustice.

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Ummmmmm… that felt great! The rush of words from mind to fingers… May this be the start of something promising.

Happy New Year everyone.

Though my nose be clogged, I smell things of interest. The sulfur from a dragon’s breath, newly-sliced apples, squeezed oranges, the imagined stench of a durian, the noxius fumes of car exhaust, the tinkling of fairy wings.

Though the my skin prickles with cold, I also sense a coming evolution on many levels. Let us be ready with our prayers and our faith.

May we learn from the past.
May we hope for a better future.
May we live in the present.
May we all celebrate ourselves, both our flaws and our beauty!