nights at the beach

this entry has been on my mind since tuesday night. so despite the many things that happened over the weekend that deserve a post, it has to make way to this.

*****

sleep would not come. my eyes are already tired from reading, and my body screams for rest after several days of non-stop travel from mountain to town to mountain. but it would not come. the sound of the waves racing against each other stand out over the crickets and the silence. as i imagine five foot waves crashing against the coconut-husk-infested sand, memories of different nights at the back come to me.

that night in calapan. my jvp partner and i were standing under the rain watching the lightning show as the it forked from cloud to cloud. the rain spattered sand on our feet while we talked about the joys and pains and frustrations of being a jesuit volunteer. but mostly, how blessed we were to have been sent to calapan. he barely felt the cold, while i had to hug myself as i shivered like a wet puppy. the weight of my jeans and shirt on me was bothersome as it absorbed the cries of heaven, but the desire to enjoy the chance of an intimate conversation was much stronger than physical discomfort.

another night in calapan. the rest of my officemates were at the beach challenging the rare high waves that come to suqui. they held each others hands and stood against the onslaught, laughing as the weight of the water drowned them for a nanosecond. as they emerged, the giggles could be heard from where mimo and i were.

on top of our trusty jeep, nostalgia overwhelemd our conversation. our second to the last night in calapan as jesuit volunteers, and so much has happened to me and to everyone else i've worked with. ten months is both long and short. it was long enough to forge relationships that can create pain at separtion, it felt too shout because you have to wean away from those people you have come to love.

the conversation:
me: di ko pa alam ang gagawin ko. pero gusto kong bumalik, kahit six months lang.
mimo: e di bumalik ka.
me: (suddenly bursts into tears) pero pakiramdam ko, di na ako babalik. di sa paraan na gusto ko.
mimo: (embraces me) alam ko. you're too big for calapan, angie.

as the tears continued to flow, it pained me to know that what he was saying was true. and yes, i never went back the way i would have wanted to. mimo knew me too well.

a night in puerto galera fourteen batch 19 people sitting or lying down on several malongs and woven mats. the dark velvety sky was sprinkled with stars. each one looking up in seach of a falling star. the water was quiet, but the people spoke in slightly hushed tones as heart to heart to heart spoke of memories of our lives in the not-so-past and what lay ahead in the not-so-distant future.

different people. different dreams. but a fierce love shared deeply.

another night in puerto galera though we can claim to be lesbian lovers, we just didn't look like a couple. it was the calm before the storm of summer, the last day of off-peak season. conversations on the pain of love, and the theory of a future with a partner. it was an age when one still had the right to dream of prince charming, and imagine mr. right with the soundtrack of the then-unkown brownman revival in the background.

same beach. different night. different person his pain and anger was overwhelming. more overwhelming than the love i could ever give him. i had nothing else to offer but the empathy i had. how i would have loved to made an excuse of the alcohol dulling my senses and inhibition to steal that kiss i've wanted for so long. but my heart remains loyal to the friendship that we share, my love seeks only joy and peace for my beloved. and so, as the waves stood still that night, all i could do was make a silent wish to the fist star i saw for that someone the happiness he longed for.


how i wish i could continue the drama as there are more nights at the beach i was thinking of... but it has been two days since this has been a draft and with the way things are going at the office right now... it might drag on for days and days... so... an incomplete version this shall be...