IT'S MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. So I think he will be a bit happy with my entry today. He's always been God's loyal and faithful servant. :)
praying is something i'm not good at. even way back in my jvp year, spirituality has always been my main struggle. (jvp has five core values: service, simplicity, social justice, solidarity and spirituality). when i found out that i was to be assigned in a diocese to help evangelize people, i freaked out internally. it is not something i think i can do. but rose, bless her, talked to me and made me feel like i was the perfect person for the job. because i am wounded myself, i best understand the needs of those who are as lost as i am.
and spending a year with mimo and rose helped me in having faith in my own process of spirituality. they were my models of loving God, but they never made me feel that i was lacking in my love for him. and eventually, they helped me develop a relationship with God. one that is not imposed by the Church, or someone else. but one that i am comfortable with.
still my spirituality continued to be a struggle. yet despite that, i have had so many moments with God, both tranquil and passionate. i remember praying for renewing another year with JVP and ended up serving in Pangantucan. i remember praying for being part of the JVP central office and became APOVS. i remember praying for work in Davao so my mom has someone with her and Assisi came. i remember praying for a companion and met jan. these were times when i knew these things were both my will and God's. and i had such peace in my heart knowing that.
of course, being human, the peace passed along with time. the cycle of desire once more begins. and i'm back to not knowing what to pray for.
but those experiences of prayer and receiving taught me a lot of things. lessons that i should re-learn, and lessons i want to share.
1) God desires what you desire for yourself.
Desire might be a tricky word though because we want lots of things. That dress by the Anne Klein botique. The Shoes displayed by Schu. That cute boy you saw at the beach. But I believe these are superficial desires. When you have them, they end up to be just placebo to what you really need/desire and barely satisfiy.
There are times we don't even know what we TRULY want. Thus the discontent, thus the restlessness, thus the lack of direction. But knowing our desires needs introspection and TIME. God will not give just about anything you say you want. He does not give temporary relief from your desires. He gives when He knows you know what you want. He gives when He is sure you are ready to accept your desires. And He knows when YOU know. And if you really, really want it, it comes.
2) God wants prayers to be specific.
Your birthday is coming up, and a good friend asks you what you want for your birthday. Being shy to say what you really want, you say, "anything." On your birthday, this friend gives you a Jose Mari Chan album. It's not too bad, but something you don't really want (unless you are a fan). You appreciate the thought your friend gave, but you wish you could have had something else for a birthday gift.
We've all had those moments when we are too embarassed to spell out to God what we want . Because it may be going against what He wants for us, or it may be too imposing on Him, or it feels like we are being too arrogant to ask Him exactly what we want.
One thing I've realized about this, it is actually a kind of humility to tell Him exactly what we want. It is a letting go of our pride. God is always pleased with a humble child. And spelling it out to Him is a sign that we have understood our desires.
And somehow i believe, naming your desires will, in one way or another, become real, become true. Especially with God on your side.
3) God listens all the time.
Have you had those days when you have a problem and you don't know what to do? Then you talk to a friend, who just listens to what you have to say, asks you some questions and may or may not give you advice in the end. Yet, at the end of the conversation, you feel a little bit more enlightened. Somehow, you know you are on your way to finding an answer, a solution or a resolution to what was bothering you.
God is that friend. You don't need to ask for anything in prayer. You don't need to give Him a litany of His names (but i'm pretty sure He'd apprciate that). Just talk to Him, and take time to listen to Him. May it be one conversation or several, somewhere along the way, you get that light bulb moment and feel much better.
So there. Those are the stuff I learned during those intimate moments with God. Rare, but always meaningful.
I've gone past the depression, but the longing for clarity is still there. And I still kick myself in the butt for not having more time to talk with God. So I PRAY, that the time will soon come that I can name my desire and spend time in proper conversation with God.
1 comment:
And... ask and you shall receive. *hugs*
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