close to you

For those who bother watching the local channel, particularly ABS-CBN, you may have already seen the trailer of John Lloyd-Bea-Sam love triangle movie, Close to You. There was this scene where Sam and Bea were making goo-goo eyes and John Lloyd was at the back watching the two. He ended up taking a big gulp of San Miguel Pale Pilsen, probably to drown his jealousy away. This particular scene prodded Tatit to declare she will watch the movie. I, on the other hand, need no pushing or pulling to watch masa movies as I do enjoy them a lot.

Anyways… John Lloyd’s lagok (and the entire concept of the movie) reminds me of a younger self falling in unrequited love with a friend and needing to take a shot (or seven) of tequila, to have bitter alcohol drown bitter feelings. Not that I was jealous. When I realized I really liked him, when I found out that thinking of him has my heart pinching itself painfully (a failed attempt to wake up from ridiculous emotions), there were no delusions of being THE one for him. From the beginning I knew that I will love him quietly in my corner. There was no desire to covet him for myself. If some people know na “sya na!” this one I know is “hindi talaga!” But love is love, and I simply loved him. As Pablo Neruda says, “without knowing how or when or why.” I just did.

Seven shots of tequila wisdom happened somewhat similar to that “Close to You” scene. Except my song was “A Friend of Mine” (lets all shout in unison, “ang baduuuuuuy!”). We were there by the entrance of our seminar venue, talking about the girl. The girl was on stage singing (guess what), “A Friend of Mine” (sing Alanis! “Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think…). Before I had to take my tequila shots, I had to gulp my tears away with Coke first.

I don’t know how we split ways, but he ended up spending his time with her and I ended up drinking one shot of tequila after another. Seven. The most I’ve had, I think. At some point, I went to the boy’s bathroom (declared unisex that night) to take a pee. And after, I just sat on the cold tiles catching my breath (a slight asphyxiation was occurring) when he came in and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was.

Anyway… I have always carried the memory of that night with me. It reminds me how much I am capable of loving without asking for anything in return. To watch someone I love fall in love and wish that she loves him back knowing that would make him the happiest person in the world.

I still love him so until this day. Not quite the same way. He never broke my heart for I have always been certain of his love for me. And that has always been enough. My heart was broken by other people. Time healed all wounds. Experience has taught me a lot of lessons. Cliches indeed, but there is a reason why words like that are said generation after generation of broken hearts. Pain, thankfully, did not stop me from believing in love (as it is wont to do with other hearts). It simply taught me to wait patiently for what is true and what is real (and I pray what I have is it).

To you I remain loyal. No need to take tequila shots to prove it, just my constant silent presence hoping for your happiness.

And if you are reading this, I’m sorry if I may have brought about memories you have chosen to forget. My gut is prodding me to write this down, hoping that one or two people will find something to think about.