tamed

my mind has been on autopilot since i woke up 7:45 this morning having gone home at 3:00 a.m. after watching brownman revival with ninin, jerry, ina, mike, jan and shiva. last night made me realize how much i have changed since i moved to davao. after 30 minutes of being stuck amongst skanking BMR fans drenched in sweat , i had to go out of the room and get some air. two years ago, i would have put up with getting moshed by equally crazy dancers and smothered in carcinogenic cigarette smoke just to close my eyes and let my own dancerous soul run wild.

last night... i couldn't take it. not even the sight of dino kumekendeng in his baby tee-shirt could make me stay, and i so adored him even back in college.

my head was still bobbing to the music but i just felt too tired to do anything other than that. i wanted to just sit down and listen, rather than stay up and dance.

davao has tamed me. or maybe my worked has tired me out. i don't know. all i know is my physical restlessness has waned. though my mental meanderings still occur once in a while. whether that is good or bad, i don't know. i just feel so different from everyone else already.

sometimes i get embarrassed by the idea of not being restless anymore, having been known to be a hyperactive butete all my life. sometimes i imagine accusing eyes staring at me as if saying, "how can you not be the dancerous girl i once knew?" what's worse, a pair of those accusing eyes belong to me.

i'm at a stage where who i am and what i want are asynchronized. striking a balance is a struggle. but come to think of it, the balancing act has always been and will always be a challenge to any living being.

hmmm... so these are my thoughts when in autopilot.