some story. (part one, the prayer)

Last year. Around this time.

Waves crashed against the rocks, echoing the turbulence long brewing inside of me. The evening sky was the color of a fresh bruise. Instead of the lush green it usually is during the daytime, the island across was a dark shadow. I could feel Emman’s discomfort at my silence and tears, after the flurry of words spoken in anger and pain flew from my mouth. Despite the loss of words from my mouth, two words kept running in my mind like a ruined CD, “tama na… tama na… tama na…” And with one final decisive “TAMA NA,” I asked Emman to bring me home.

The next night, I lay in my bed in restless unsleep. “Enough,” I said the night before. And “enough” was what I felt. The tears that fell tasted salty, much like the air of Calapan. There was nothing wrong with crying, I reminded myself, a bit shamed for having allowed myself to be hurt by him.

Four years of uncertainty bordering on a lie is four years too long. The Neverending Story should only be allowed when there are dragons who look like dogs and rock giants have babies. It is not for confused love stories.

Enough. Book closed. Time to open something else. And when exploring something new, I figured it would be best to be as true to myself and to my God as possible.

****
Background.

For the past four years of uncertainty bordering on a lie, I was seriously considering my calling was for single-blessedness. It seemed I was the only one who believed that, my JVP friends knew in their hearts I’m bound to get into a real relationship sooner or later. They didn’t even bother including me in the condo unit they were planning to live in sometime.

Not because I was a weak woman who needed a man, but because I was a strong woman who can share intimate love (yun naman ang dahilan kung bakit kayo naniniwala na ganun ako, di ba? *fingers crossed*). But because I enjoyed the freedom of singleness very much, as well as the dear company of those other single-blessed (or non-blessed) or still-deciding-whether-single-for-life-or-relationships-is-the-way-to-go friends too much, I wanted to be single for life so together we can take the world by storm with our singleness.
****

A continuation of last year. Around this time.

I dialed God. Somehow that night, I knew he was listening. I knew he was just waiting for me to blurt out everything I needed to tell him.

At one point I told him, “you know, I’m willing to accept what it is you have in store for me. Your will be done, as they say. But if I have to be true to my heart, and let you know what it is I truly desire, and I know that is what you want me to be, I think I want to have a family someday. I want to raise kids to love you and to love others. I want a person to be intimate with and embrace every night. I’m willing to wait for the right time. No hurries, as long as you stay with me while I wait, and even after.”

“But just to be clear what kind of man I want, I want someone with a good heart who can accept me for who I am and I can accept for who he is. Second, I want someone I can converse with about anything and everything under the sun. Someone who I can share my day with when it is time to go home. Third, someone I can be proud of, and that includes not being embarrassed by showing him around. Lastly, someone who is capable to send my children to Ateneo de Manila, if and when the child decides to do so. Just to be clear. I’m willing to wait for this person, Lord, if you feel I am asking for something just. Thanks. Good night.”

In retrospect, I failed to mention lean, lanky and dark males preferably.

****
Reflection. Kuno.

God can be quite a joker sometimes. Just when you say, “I’ll wait” he unexpectedly gives it to you sooner than you expected. As if telling you, “Silly little girl, if you could have just told me specifically what you wanted sooner then you would have gotten it sooner as well. Here you go, baby.”

And yes, it came much sooner that I expected. Two days after closing a book and opening myself to my desires, I take notice. I realize he’s been there longer than I have except we never really bumped into each other. Three days after closing a book and opening myself to my desires, we talked a bit. A week after closing a book and opening myself to desires, we talked some more. And days after, we talked a little more than more. If we talked a little more than more than more the sun would have rose without us noticing. And he doesn’t even talk a lot in the first place.

Silly God. You are as silly as I was.
****
Excuses.

and we shall end it here for now… a lot more interesting things happen afterwards… right now, this is just an entry to say… the Davao office is a little boring right now because...