kulang ako sa libog

doubled-back there, didn't you?

i've always loved the word libog, the filipino term for passion. passion is already a very fiery word, full of spirit and zing. but libog... libog encapsulates a certain lust and love for life that makes passion sound lacking.

i lack passion. kulang ako sa libog.

libog for God. libog for work. libog for social interactions. even libog for a good post. which i find quite disturbing. i thought it was just a phase but having to deal with this for so many months, it causes me much concern. i've always lived by the rule of living passionately.

remember "let it burn"? the supposed motto of the davao gang for the year? well, after that mishap with a bottled of hot water that led to an ugly scar, nothing much else burned for me during the year. except maybe my relationship with my mom and jan. though i still feel i am not able to meet the needs of my mom, i have tried to spend more time with her even if it is just to listen to her stories without having to giving back my own share.

i guess, sometimes, you just have to determine where you are needed the most and go there. my friends here are quite happy or at least cruising with their lives without me much. so the greater need lies somewhere else. in a way, bonds are initially created by an initial need. the need to interact, the need to be happy, the need to explore, etc. and then things progress, and it becomes a need for each other.

so libog for other things. the idea of resigning has been cropping up over and over in my mind. it's a terrible feeling. i love the idea of what i am doing. i love the purpose of it. i am excited by the direction things are starting to go. but i lack the energy to feel passionate in running it.

largely, the hesitation comes from the physical manifestations of the stress i am going through. it has gone beyond muscle pain and sleepless nights. overshedding skin and rashes that never go away. as said in the devil's advocate, vanity is my favorite sin. when you are threatened of turning ugly because of your work, how can you feel much passion for it?

but then i can't imagine quitting for real either. there are days when i think, "maybe this is the sacrifice that have to be made to make other people's lives easier or at the very least to give them that hope of a future. why turn your back on that?" it's a struggle. between a higher cause and selfish desires. and yet, i keep going because the people that matter continue to support and love me despite getting uglier.

still, i long for the day when i will once again look at a habal-habal ride as an opportunity to ride the wind rather than a risk of getting hurt. when that happens, then my passion has renewed.

please pray for me. my prayers for myself are taking so long to be answered. i am not getting impatient but i fear deciding rashly.