looking back at a loss

Yesterday was the 5th death anniversary of my father. He died from multiple myeloma, a form of cancer of the bone. Myeloma was quite a difficult illness to deal with for both my father and for the rest of the family.

Dad had to endure intense pain with every little movement. We had to endure seeing him grimace as he tried to stand up or walk. He refused to drink painkillers. Being a devout Catholic, dad offered his pain to God. He wanted to follow the path of the suffering Christ nailed to the cross for the salvation of everyone.

I found out he was sick when I went home for Christmas vacation from my JVP year in Pangantucan, Bukidnon. It was a weekday, so I was quite surprised to see him lying in bed.

“Bakit di ka pumasok?”

And he laughed. Repeating my question, he turned to my sister, “Nette, bakit di daw ako pumasok?”

I hardly remember what happened. I don’t think they answered my question. All I know is a book about cancer was lying on the table. Which shouldn’t be strange at all because there were two doctors in the house. But somehow, it felt out of place in the room. Despite the other medical books that were lying around.

They told me that day eventually. The cancer was detected only a week before I got home. How long a person with myeloma can live can not be determined because there was no mass or cyst or tumor or anything in the body. The bones just start losing cells and metastasize.

I was crying hard. I felt bad for having left wanting to serve other people when in fact there was so much happening in my own family. Disliking seeing me in tears, he couldn’t help himself shout, “why God?” But that was the only time he complained about his sickness. Everyday after that, he endured everything with the help of his intense faith and love for God.

I told him I would quit JVP just so I can spend time with him. But my dad was a great man. He wanted me to stay because he felt that my year of service could be his additional lease in life.

I did finish my year April and we still got to spend time together.

By July , he had to go through chemotherapy to raise the level of his red blood cells to be allowed to travel to the States. Not for treatment, but for his final chance to go beyond Asia.

God had other plans. Once he was placed in the hospital, his health started deteriorating. The last twelve days of his life was spent in the ICU. We knew he would have rather been at home spending time with us.

It was a difficult time for us. Everybody prayed for his healing, but I think everybody prayed for the ease of his suffering as well. In the end, the two weren’t mutually exclusive.

Dad left us on July 24, after he went through dialysis. There was that one moment when I looked at him and he was conscious. We felt that was a good sign because he has been unconscious for the past days. Told him I love him. Two hours after, the telephone in the our hospital room rang. They wanted us to go to the ICU. Dad was proclaimed dead at 10:13 PM.

It was both sad and a sigh of relief. For him and for us. We didn’t have to see him suffer anymore. But he was a great loss for his family and for his numerous friends. His funeral was a sold-out concert, brimming with people who have shared the 59 years of his life.

My mom remained strong the whole time. Shedding quiet tears. But I could sense a deep pain in her. The man she has been wed to for the past 33 years is gone. This year would have been their 38th. She gets teary-eyed when she gets a chance to visit the cemetery in Manila.

One full moon here in Davao, we were driving together when mom said “siguro kung nandito ang daddy mo, nag-date na kami.” It was sweet. And sad.

I, too, miss my dad terribly. I hate hearing the song “Butterfly Kisses” because there will be no dad who will bring me to the altar if that day will come. He has always been my gauge for measuring up a guy’s worth for the all-too precious price of love. If they do not have a good a heart as my dad, then they are not worth it.

But well… I know for sure he is in heaven, happy in the arms of the One he loved above all else.